All Along the Watchtower
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: Comedy! Slapstick! Laughter! Variety! Dinah! Slade! Pranks! Mayhem! Madness! Off-the wall fun! It's a no-holds-barred completely uncensored and uncut 30-part series that shows even superheroes like the Justice League can have a LOT and we mean A LOT of fun
1. Slapstick Cartoon Comedy

**All Along the Watchtower: Part 1 of 30**

"Good cold evening, dear" Hippolyta said, greeting Two-Face as the reformed criminal overlooked the night sky in the lounge, having finished monitor duty

"Same to you, my love" Two-Face replied pleasantly, his scarred face glowing bright in the moonlit sky as Hippolyta pulled her husband in close and kissed him passionately.

"So… did you do any good cases, Mr. Bigshot Attorney?" Hippolyta purred, as she and Harvey were in the bedroom, unclothed and watching reruns of Orange is the new Black

"Eh, not much. A few lawsuits, some child support here and there, oh and my personal favorite… assault and battery" Harvey answered, taking a sip of his Chianti wine before kissing Hippolyta's neck

 **Meanwhile, in the room of Dinah and Helena Prince…**

"Dinah? Dinah, wake up" Helena Prince whispered, shaking her younger sister Dinah's shoulder as she slept in her bed

"Hmm?" Dinah murmured sleepily.

"I can't sleep" Helena explained

"You woke me up from a dream of making out with Emma Roberts to tell me you can't sleep when it's 2 in the morning?" Dinah asked sarcastically

"I know, I know, it's a stupid excuse" Helena chuckled

"Ok, ok, you moocher, you can cuddle with me. But no hogging the covers" Dinah said, scooting over

"Oh thanks so much little sis. I really appreciate it" Helena said, getting under the covers

"Yeah, yeah. Now shush up, I'm trying to sleep" Dinah yawned, closing her eyes

"Ok, ok. Goodnight" Helena whispered, kissing Dinah's cheek as she laid down on her pillow

 **In the office of Roman Sionis and his partner Linda Park-West…**

"Well, that's it. All the mortgages are paid, bills are paid, loans are made, and all tonight's work is done" Black Mask said, exhaling in relief as Linda massaged his shoulders

"I know how stressful it is being the accountant/financier of the Justice League and all, but think of the possibilities. You're running for Senator of Gotham. If you win, you'll win the votes for equal rights of the LGBT parties" Linda said, a hopeful look in Roman's eyes

"Thank you for the confidence, Linda. I wish you the best in your pregnancy and I will continue to support you and Wally in your marriage together" Roman responded, kissing Linda's hand

"Um, Roman?" Silver St. Cloud said, entering the room.

"Hey kiddo, come on in. Linda and I were just talking" Roman said, Silver entering the office and kissing her adoptive father on the cheek

"Did you and Vesper have fun at Mykonos?" Roman asked as Silver straightened his tie

"Mm-hmm. Vesper proposed to me" Silver added, Roman hugging Silver happily

"That's wonderful, congratulations Silver" Linda cheered, hugging Silver

"Thanks, Aunt Linda" Silver said before yawning

"Ok, Vesper and I are going to bed. 'Night, Daddy" Silver said, kissing Roman's cheek

"See you in the morning, kiddo" Roman said softly, Silver smiling as she walked out the room

 **At the office of Victor Zsasz and Tommy Elliot, Attorneys at Law…**

"Oh, the boredom, the godawful boredom" Zsasz moaned tiredly as he and Hush worked tiredly in their office

"Patience, Victor, patience. The night is almost over. A few more bits of paperwork then we can watch the football game later" Hush responded

"mmm. Have you bought tickets for the UFC fight?" Zsasz asked

"Oh yeah. That Holly Holm sure is something" Hush chuckled just as Nora Fries entered

"Evening, boys" Nora said coyly

"Hello Nora. How's the doc holding up?" Hush asked, looking up from his paperwork

"Oh, he's doing better. The doctor said a few more weeks of chemotherapy and hopefully he'll find a cure" Nora replied

"Well, he's in our thoughts and prayers, just to let you know. Anything me and my partner can do for you tonight?" Hush asked politely

"Um, I need some insurance claims settled by Sunday. Not much, a mere $3 per tax" Nora said, handing Hush a slip

"Not a problem dear, we'll have it done by morning" Zsasz said quickly, going to work

"Oh thank you boys. I really appreciate this" Nora said, exiting

"Real nice lady" Hush said

"Yup. Takes after boss lady" Zsasz commented

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hush asked questioningly

"Oh. Um… nothing" Zsasz said

"… huh. Whoop. Work's done. UFC time" Hush said, whipping out a 12-pack of Miller Lite

"Right behind you. I'll go get the pretzels and nachos" Zsasz added, rushing into the kitchen

"And no overdoing it on the tabasco sauce" Hush hollered

"Same to you with the Miller Lite, brother!" Zsasz hollered back

 **The next morning, at the breakfast table…**

"Whew! It's cold as Chile in here!" Vigilante shivered, pouring himself a cup of coffee

"Silly Greg, we don't have chili for breakfast. That's for dinner and lunch" Dinah interjected

"Um, sis, remember what we do when grown-ups are talking?" Helena asked

"Eat breakfast and mind our own business" Dinah answered

"That's my girl" Helena smiled, patting Dinah on the head as Dinah ate her pop-tarts

"Morning everyone" Hippolyta asked cheerfully, entering the room

"Morning Mommy" Dinah said sweetly

"Good morning angel" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah's and Helena's foreheads

"Here's the daily paper, Ma. Had to fight off Krypto to get it" Robin said, limping in with dog marks on his face

"Oh, Timmy, you poor dear. Why don't you have Hush clean you up, ok?" Hippolyta asked sweetly

"Uh… ok. By the way, steer clear of Bruce. He's in one of his moods again" Robin added

"Oh dear" Hippolyta said fearfully, everyone keeping silent as the curmudgeonly crusader walked past them

"Ok, he's gone" Hippolyta said, exhaling in relief

"Phew! Uncle Bruce can be really mean and scary sometimes" Dinah said, Hippolyta hugging her close

"Oh sweetheart, it's ok. Bruce may be a grouchy, brooding man but he loves you and all of us so very much" Hippolyta said lovingly, kissing the top of Dinah's head

"Heh. Sure wish I could see him acting all cheerful and friendly like Dinah" Nightwing said sarcastically

"You rang?" Neron asked, having appeared in the room in a vapor of green smoke

"Get out, Neron! You're supposed to be in the containment room!" Linda shouted, coming at him with a knife

"Fine, fine! Sheesh" Neron grumbled, disappearing in a huff

"I gotta be careful not to say such things like that when _**he's**_ around" Nightwing said finally

"Yeah, tell me about it. He keeps sending me these chain letters" Amy commented, taking a bite of her muffin

"Oh, not to worry. I had Garfield burn them down" Hippolyta answered

"Beast Boy?" Dinah asked

"No, honey, the _**other**_ Garfield" Hippolyta answered

"…. Uh-oh" Hippolyta gulped, realizing the error she made

"Way to go. You hired the flamebrain to do the chores. Excellent work" Hawkgirl snarked sarcastically

"LYNNS! YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE TO TURN THAT FLAMETHROWER OFF OR SO HELP ME I WILL PERSONALLY DRAG YOU, KICKING AND SCREAMING, OUT OF THE AIRLOCK AND INTO DEEP SPACE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" Raven shouted in the hallway

"… whoa" Nightwing said in amazement

"I never thought she'd have a volume control" Linda added

"…Now do you understand why normality went out the window the day we moved in here?" Black Mask asked Vesper

"Yup. I understand completely. We live in an insane asylum of superhuman crazies, gays, drunks, nerds, virgins, shapeshifters, pyromaniacs, nymphomaniacs, Amazon queens, ice queens, Kryptonian numbskulls, bimbo reporters, disgruntled millionaires, horny teenage daughters, wild animals… it's like a freakin mixed up zoo, for crying out loud" Vesper cried

"Yup. Once you enter this home, you're part of the madness and you'll never be rid of it" Hippolyta said

"So this is basically Arkham Asylum 2.0. No guards, no prison cells, no mercy" Hawkgirl chimed in

"Oh and my personal favorite: once you check in, you can never, ever, ever checkout" Hush finished, handing Nora her payment

"Thanks Tommy" Nora said, getting up to iron her hair

"So… what's on the agenda, boss?" Nightwing asked, finally finishing his breakfast

"Uh… Nothing as always" Hippolyta answered

"Well… sounds good to me" Hush responded

 **Later….**

"Oy, what a long-ass movie!" Hush complained, rubbing his sore back as Linda carried her twins upstairs to their room for bed

"Hey. How'd the movie go?" Hippolyta asked, having tucked Dinah into bed for the night

"Way too long and way too expensive" Zsasz yawned tiredly

"Oh my! Why don't you two go get a shower and cool off for a while? I'll go make some coffee" Hippolyta offered

"Thanks but no. Vic and I are gonna hit the hay. We gotta take Tim and Damian to that horse race tomorrow" Hush moaned

"Alright dears, sleep tight" Hippolyta crooned, Hush and Zsasz taking the elevator to their room

 **Meanwhile, in the Monitor Womb…**

"And done. All finance mortgages paid for the night" Huntress exhaled, sighing in relief as she looked around. Jennifer-Lynn Prince, nicknamed Jade, was sleeping on her desk, snoring. Oliver Queen, better known to all as Green Arrow was watching SportsCenter in the recreational room with Wildcat and Shining Hawk

"Hey. Coming to bed, sweetie?" Batwoman asked sweetly, massaging her wife's shoulders

"Ok baby, I'm coming. Ok Ollie, I'm taking off for the night. Think you and Jade can hold the fort?" Huntress asked tiredly

"Sure thing" Oliver said, keeping his eyes glued on the TV. Batwoman and Huntress rolled their eyes as they beamed themselves into their bedroom via transporter

"Unh… no, no, I won't do the chicken dance! You can't make me!" Jade babbled, waking up

"What the hell were you babbling about this time? The talking trees from Lord of the Rings again?" Oliver snarked

"No, numbnuts, I was talking about the flying squirrel and the big dumb moose" Jade remarked

"Ask a stupid question…" Oliver moaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ok, I'm going to bed. Kyle won't stop texting me to come up" Jade moaned, cleaning up her workstation

"Should I take over for you, hon?" Artemis asked sweetly, having clocked in for her monitor night shift

"Artemis, it would be my genuine pleasure" Jade replied confidently

"Ok, see you in the morning, give Kyle a kiss for me" Artemis replied, Jade winking at her slyly as she walked off

"So… how's it hanging, Artemis?" Oliver asked lewdly as Artemis logged in and began her work

"Eh, the usual. Pumping my boobs with milk, sparring, taming bulls, etc" Artemis responded, yawning

"Yo, Artemis! Here's a pillow for ya in case you nod off" Supergirl called, tossing the sleepy Amazon a pillow in mid-air

"Thanks Kara. Where are you going so late at night?" Artemis asked curiously

"To the sorority den. There's a full 12-hour marathon of the L Word on and I don't wanna miss a thing" Supergirl answered

"I didn't even know we even _**had**_ a sorority den" Oliver said aloud

"It's in the lounge room across from the café" Supergirl explained

"Ah, gotcha" Green Arrow nodded

"Ok, later" Supergirl called, flying away

"…well, you never know whether people are a-comin' or a-goin', that's for sure" Artemis yawned in boredom

"Mm-hmm, ain't that the truth" Oliver commented

"Oh crap, hide! Code Bat is in effect! Code Bat IS IN EFFECT" Oliver shouted

Both Oliver and Artemis remained perfectly still as the crotchety vigilante walked past them irately

"…Phew, thank goodness that's over" Artemis exhaled in relief, wiping her brow

"HEY! WHO ATE ALL MY CHEETOS PUFFS?! TIMMMMMMMMMMMM!" Spoiler hollered in the hall

"OhcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!" Robin gibbered, running for his life

"IMMA EVISCERATE YOU LIMB FROM LIMB BONE FROM MARROW" Spoiler roared savagely

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Robin shrieked effeminately

"Yeah! We gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy! Squeal like a pig!" J'onn slurred drunkenly

"SQQQQUEEEEAAAALLLL LIIIIKKKKE AAAA PIIIIIIGGGGG!" Flash slurred incoherently

"What the hell is happening here?" Oliver asked

"Chaos, Oliver, just plain sheer chaos" Artemis responded

"I AM THE SCALES OF JUSTICE! CONDUCTOR OF THE CHOIR OF DEATH!" Two-Face screamed

"Ok, what the *CENSORED*?!" Artemis shouted

"SING, BROTHER HECKLER, SING BROTHER KOCH. SING, BROTHERS! SIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!" Two-Face bellowed

"Mad Max" Oliver said to a very flabbergasted Artemis

"Ah" Artemis said, understanding

 **Meanwhile, in Vicki's and Lois' room…**

"Lois! Lois, wake up!" Vicki hissed, shaking her twin sister's shoulder

"mmm… how 'bout you start calling _**me**_ Chief around here" Lois mumbled in her sleep

"C'mon Lois, wake up!" Vicki pleaded, Lois grunting as she woke up

"What now, Vicki? Cant you see I was sleeping?!" Lois snapped irately

"I can't sleep" Vicki said

"Oh don't start with me! Helena did that before! This isn't becoming a running gag" Lois said snarkily

 **IT IS NOW A RUNNING GAG**

"Oh, ok, fine. But no drooling this time" Lois exhaled, Vicki plopping into bed and snoring

"Hmph. Sure are a lot of crazies in the Watchtower tonight" Lois muttered, laying down

 **In the kitchen…**

"Hey, Robin! Catch!" Vixen hollered, tossing a sharp Frisbee at Robin's direction

"AAAAAAAAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Robin shrieked, running far from the disc

"Huh. That's odd, I could've sworn it was a Frisbee… not a…." Vixen started before

*CLONG*

"ooh… pretty birdies… tweet, tweet… chirp, chirp" Vixen babbled dazedly, collapsing to the ground, snoring

"Ha! That outta teach her!" Robin boasted

"ROOOOBIIINNN! WHERE IS MY DISC-FRISBEE BATARANG?! I'M COMIN' OVER!" Batman bellowed

"and that's all folks!" Robin quickly shouted, dashing away as the angry Dark Knight chased after him

"Hey! There's a manhole up ahead!" Dinah hollered, Batman ignoring her

"Don't be silly. If there was a manhole I know it'd be right HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE!" Batman hollered as he fell in the manhole, Dinah watching him plummet

 ***CRASH***

"You ok down there?" Dinah asked

"You ok down there?" it echoed

"Ooh! Hello! How are you?" Dinah shouted

"Fine, thanks for asking!" the echo replied back

"GGGGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Batman growled, lunging at Dinah, Dinah quickly countered the attack by smacking Batman with a frying pan to the head

 ***BONG***

"Mother? I'm sorry I swam in your fettuccini mozzarella…" Batman babbled, falling to the floor

"Hello Dinah, how's it YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Deathstroke screamed, his butt caught in a bear trap

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hippolyta and Dinah laughed hysterically

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? I'M GONNA COME OVER THERE AND…" Deathstroke threatened, slipping on a banana peel

 **THUD**

"Oh thanks a lot, Slade, you squished my banana!" Nightwing exhaled in disgust

"Hey, hey, I got another idea…" Hippolyta giggled, whispering into Dinah's ear

"OOH!" Dinah exclaimed, whispering back into her mother's ear as Deathstroke tried to listen

"Hello Slade. Did you order a piano per chance?" Dinah asked, Hippolyta snickering behind her

"No, why?" Deathstroke foolishly asked as Dinah sped away

"LOOK OUT BELOW!" Hawkgirl hollered, snipping the piano cords away, making it fall towards Slade

"Oh… _**that**_ piano" Deathstroke groaned, everyone covering their ears and bracing for impact

 ***CLAAAANNNGGGG***

"So… know any good piano songs to play Slade? What's that? You have Prince Albert in a can? Well you better let the poor guy out!" Dinah joked, her and the others giggling insanely

 **Meanwhile…**

"Lex Luthor speaking" Lex said, answering the phone

"Is your refrigerator running?" a disguised voice asked

"What?" Lex asked in shock

"WELL YOU BETTER CATCH IT BEFORE IT RUNS AWAY!" Dinah yelled, cackling maniacally

"Grrrr… those meddling Leaguers!" Lex snarled, opening the door to his office to get smacked in the face with a pie

"Hehehehehe… you… have…no…idea…how…long I wanted to do that" Mercy snickered, as Lex glared at her

"What do you have to say for yourself?!" Lex snarled as Mercy then spraypainted Kick Me on his back

"Well? I'm waiting for an AAAAAANNNNNSWWWWWWEEEERRRRRR!" Lex yelled, as Hope dropkicked him into the DC Elseworlds

"That was some clever work, sister" Hope grinned as she and Mercy burst out laughing

 **In Apokolips…**

"Hey Granny? Knock-knock" Desaad asked annoyingly

"Grrrr… who's there?" the elderly tyrant hissed

"Pie" Desaad answered

"Pie who?" Granny Goodness replied before getting a pie in the face

"PIE IN THE FACE" Desaad shouted, him and the Female Furies laughing in amusement

"hey Granny, I got somethin' for your 100th birthday" Darkseid said, snickering

"I am not 100 years old and… WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Granny shouted in outrage

"You've been officially committed to the New Genesis Seniors Home. Enjoy your stay" Darkseid giggled

"What… WHY I OUGHTA…" Granny hollered, about to knock Darkseid silly as a cane pulled her away

"Bon voyage, Granny! Be sure to clean your dentures and do some memory jogs!" Bernadeth called

"Put 'er there" Amazing Grace offered, her hand stretched toward Bernadeth

"GAAAAAGGGGGGHHAAAAAAA!" Bernadeth shrieked, getting electrocuted

"The joy buzzer. Gets 'em every time!" Amazing Grace chortled, slapping her knee

"Hey… that is… pretty funny" Bernadeth admitted, snickering

 **And that's a wrap! Stay tuned for more slapstick shenanigans in Chapter 2**


	2. HippolytaDinah

**All Along the Watchtower Part 2**

"WAAAAHOOOOOOOO!" Firefly shouted, speeding down the hallways

"Ok, who let Firefly out of his cage again?" Black Mask asked, wiping away the smoke

"What now, Roman?" Hippolyta asked, having just fed Dinah and gave her a bath

"Ah, Firefly's off on his pyro rampage again" Black Mask answered

"Oh Hera, when, oh when will he ever come to his senses?" Hippolyta said jokingly

"This really isn't the appropriate time for that type of humor" Black Mask deadpanned

"LYNNS! IF YOU TOUCH MY LITTLE SIS WITH THAT FLAMETHROWER, THERE WILL BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES" Helena shouted menacingly, Firefly flying away cowardly

"Thanks Helena" Hippolyta said, Helena pouring herself a cup of Alka-Seltzer

"You're welcome. By the way, Dinah's with Ivy. Ivy's reading to her" Helena added

"Ok, good to know my little baby birdie's safe and sound" Hippolyta said, sighing in relief

"Says the mom who places a monitor wristwatch around her teenage daughter's wrist" Red Hood snarked

"Jason…" Hippolyta warned

"Ok, ok, I take it back! Don't emasculate me" Red Hood said quickly

"Just kidding, Jason. By the way, go give Stephanie her medicine" Hippolyta said

"Oh no, nononono, I'm not going in there. She's too scary for my tastes" Red Hood replied

"Oh for God's sakes, she's heavily sedated and bound tight" Black Mask snapped

"Why not send Dinah in?" Red Hood offered

"Absolutely NOT! I will not endanger my little girl like that! Shame on you, Jason" Hippolyta scolded

"Yeah! How dare you?" Black Mask added, thwacking Jason up the head

"ok, fine, I'll go do it, but don't say I warned you" Red Hood snarled, walking off to the ICU ward

"Mom, what's wrong with Stephanie?" Dinah asked

"Oh, um, sweetie, um, Stephanie… she's very sick" Hippolyta explained gently

"Can I see her please?" Dinah asked gently

"um… we'll see sweetheart." Hippolyta answered

"can I play Angry Birds before bed?" Dinah asked

"Sure" Hippolyta answered, Dinah smiling as she walked off to her and Helena's room

"She's such a good kid" Black Mask said proudly

"Yes she is. She's my pretty little paragon angel" Hippolyta said, watching Helena and Dinah playing on their phones

"And Helena's a really good example of a big sister, if I say so myself" Linda added

"Ok, let's close the door and let 'em get some rest" Linda whispered, gently closing the door but leaving it creaked open

"… hey" Two-Face said, exiting the elevator, just arriving

"Hey, honey" Hippolyta said, kissing her husband

"How're the kids?" Two-Face asked

"Dinah and Helena just went to bed, Jade's at a sleepover with Silver and Bobbi, Kara and Linda are at Dolphin's baby shower, um, Lois and Vicki went bowling and Dick and Amy are seeing The Revenant" Hippolyta answered

"Hey, I wanted to take the kids to that" Two-Face said

"Harvey… Dinah is 13, remember? No adult movies until she's a big girl at 18 years old" Hippolyta said sternly

"Oh? And how old is Helena?" Two-Face asked quizzically

"16, for goodness' sakes, you were there at her birthday party" Hippolyta said, giggling

"Ok, ok, I kinda lose track of how fast your brood grows up" Two-Face replied

"Hey" Lois said, walking in

"Where have you been, young lady? It is way past your curfew" Hippolyta snapped

"Mom…" Lois whined

"Ohhh, don't cry sweetie, I'm just kidding. I would never, ever, ever banish or yell at my babies" Hippolyta cooed, hugging Lois close

"Ok" Lois said, sniffling

"Aww c'mon kiddo, dry your eyes" Hippolyta crooned, wiping Lois' tears off with a tissue

"I feel a lot better now, thank you" Lois said, drying her eyes

"You're welcome sweetie. Your daddy and I just want you and your sisters to know we love you so very much and that we will never ever abuse, disown, harm or banish either of you because we're all family and…" Hippolyta started

"…no family ever gets left behind" Dinah said sleepily, Helena carrying her

"That's right, baby" Hippolyta smiled, lifting Dinah and holding in her arms

"Would you banish or yell at me?" Dinah asked worriedly

"Oh my sweet baby girl, I would never banish you! Ohhh, your father and I would miss you so very much. You mean so much to me and your sisters. You have a family that loves you and cares for you, a roof over your head, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and a mother that will always be there for you no matter what" Hippolyta said, hugging Dinah close

"I love you Mommy. You're the best mommy ever" Dinah said, hugging her mother close

"Aww…." Everyone awed, Hippolyta shedding a happy tear

"I love you more, baby" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah's forehead

 **The next morning…**

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Dinah, happy birthday to you" the Leaguers sang as they celebrated Dinah's 14th birthday

"Harvey… our little girl's a teenager…" Hippolyta said, sniffling happily as Dinah blew out the candles

"What'd you wish for, honey?" Hippolyta asked, ruffling Dinah's hair

"A pony" Dinah answered

"Aww, my little canary…" Hippolyta giggled, hugging Dinah tight as Helena cut up the cake

"14 years ago, you came into our lives and touched all our hearts. We love you now and forever, Dinah. Love, now and always, Uncle Scott and Auntie Jean" Dinah said, reading her letter

"Where's my little blondie?" Jean asked happily, walking in with Scott and her sisters Emma and Betsy

"AUNT JEAN!" Dinah cheered, leaping into Jean's arms

"Oh my goodness, look how big you've gotten! Scott and I haven't seen you since you were a baby" Jean said, hugging Dinah and kissing her forehead

"Have you been a good little bird, dear?" Emma asked sweetly, gently pinching Dinah's cheek

"Yes Aunt Emma" Dinah answered

"That's a good little girl" Emma said, as Dinah began opening her presents

 **Later that night…**

"Aww, the birthday girl's all tuckered out" Jean sighed happily as Helena stroked Dinah's hair as she snored softly with her new stuffed pony and her teddy bear

"She's really tired" Emma said, covering the snoozing Dinah up with a white blanket

"Yeah, she had a lot of fun today" Helena said, getting Dinah into her sleeping bag

"I didn't know there was a slumber party tonight" Jean said as Dinah's schoolfriends came in

"Oh this is another present from Harvey and me, but since Dinah's sleeping and it is getting very late, we'll do all the games and presents tomorrow morning" Hippolyta said, as Helena kept watch over Dinah, stroking her blonde hair

"Don't worry Mom, Dinah's out like a light" Helena said assuringly

"I'm glad sweetie. Ok, Daddy and I are going to a movie tonight, so Auntie Ivy and Aunt Jean will be watching you guys tonight. So have fun, watch a movie, do whatever, but be in bed at 10:30 before Daddy and I get home. If you follow all those rules, maybe, just maybe I'll take you kids to the barn so we can get a pony for my little baby birdie" Hippolyta said, smiling down at a snoozing Dinah

"Ok Mom, we will" Helena said

"That's my big girl" Hippolyta said, hugging Helena and kissing her. "Bye baby, see you in the morning" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah's cheek as Dinah turned over and snored.

"aww, my pretty little angel…" Hippolyta crooned, patting Dinah's back

"Honey, are we going or what?" Two-Face asked, Hippolyta kneeling over Dinah

"Harvey… I can't leave her all alone…" Hippolyta said worriedly

"Ok, sweetie, I understand" Two-Face said

"Mommy?" Dinah said sleepily

"Hey, how's my little angel?" Hippolyta said sweetly, hugging Dinah close

"I'm so sleepy…" Dinah yawned tiredly

"I know sweetheart, I know. Mommy and Daddy are staying home tonight and guess what?" Hippolyta asked

"What?" Dinah asked tiredly

"Uncle Scott, Auntie Emma and Betsy and I are moving in" Jean announced

"Yay!" Dinah cheered before yawning tiredly

"Aww… why don't you go back to sleep, sweetie?" Hippolyta cooed, patting Dinah's back

"Ok" Dinah said sleepily

"Goodnight dear, sleep tight" Emma cooed, kissing Dinah's cheek

"I love you sweetheart" Jean crooned, hugging Dinah close and kissing her head

"Goodnight Mommy…" Dinah yawned, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep

"Goodnight sweetie. I love you" Hippolyta cooed, kissing her goodnight, smiling as Dinah slept

"Mom, she'll be fine. She's a teenager" Helena spoke softly

"Ok, goodnight sweetheart" Hippolyta cooed, hugging Helena

"Night Mom, night Dad" Helena said, getting in her sleeping bag

"Ok kids, goodnight. We'll see you in the morning. I love you" Hippolyta rang out, turning out the lights

 **Later that night…**

Hippolyta quietly tiptoed into the living room where Helena, Jean, Dinah and the kids were sleeping. Hippolyta tiptoed over to Dinah's sleeping bag where Dinah laid, fast asleep, sucking her thumb while Helena snored quietly, arms wrapped around her.

Hippolyta leaned in and kissed Dinah on the forehead and stroked her blonde hair before walking out of the room. Dinah smiled in her sleep

 **The next morning….**

"So… what now?" Dinah asked, braiding her hair

"I don't know baby, I just don't know" Hippolyta answered, rubbing Dinah's shoulders

"I'm going to Kelly's and EDI's" Dinah said, putting on her leather jacket and fishnet stockings

"Alright baby, are you spending the night there?" Hippolyta asked worriedly

"Yes Mom, I'll call you before I go to bed" Dinah answered

"Oh thank Hera, you had me worried!" Hippolyta sighed in relief, handing Dinah hers' and Harvey's phone numbers

"Oop, they're here!" Dinah said, Kelly's mom honking the car

"Ok, bye sweetie, be a good girl and listen to Mrs. Chambers, ok?" Hippolyta asked

"Ok" Dinah said, giving her mom a big hug

"I love you sweetie!" Hippolyta called

"Love you too" Dinah called back, getting in the car

 **Later that night…**

Hippolyta was in the library reading, when her cell phone rang. "Hello?" Hippolyta answered

"Hey Mommy" Dinah said through the phone

"Hey baby girl, how are you? I thought you were in bed" Hippolyta said, glancing at her watch. It was currently 9:30 at the time

"I know, Mrs. Chambers let us watch Frozen and Despicable Me before bed" Dinah replied, as she brushed her teeth

"Have you also brought your teddy bear?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes Mommy, teddy's with me" Dinah said, giggling

"Did you thank Mrs. And Mrs. Chambers for the pizza and drinks?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes Mom, I did, and I washed my hands before I ate" Dinah responded

"Good girl. Oh and Mommy's got to take Charaxes to the vet, so Auntie Jean's gonna come pick you up tomorrow but I'll be home when you get home, ok?" Hippolyta said

"Ok, Mommy" Dinah said

"Dinah, sweetie, time for bed! I'll tuck you in and read you guys a story, ok?" Mrs. Chambers said in the background

"I gotta go Mom. Bedtime" Dinah said, yawning

"Ok baby, I love you" Hippolyta cooed

"Love you too" Dinah replied

"I'll see you in the morning" Hippolyta said sweetly

"K, bye Mommy" Dinah said

"Bye baby, I love you" Hippolyta said, hanging up the phone

 **The next morning…**

"So… it's really freezing out there, huh?" Amy Grayson said, cuddling next to Dinah as they watched the snow fall

"Mm-hmm" Dinah nodded, snuggling up to Amy's shoulder

"Aww, look at you two snuggling…" Hippolyta cooed, looking down lovingly

"Mmm…" Dinah hummed, closing her eyes

"Aww, so sweet…" Amy purred, stroking Dinah's hair

 **Meanwhile, in Roman's and Linda's Office…**

"Finally! I paid the electric and water bills!" Roman exhaled in relief

"That's a relief" Linda commented

"Yeah, tell me about it" Roman sighed, lighting his cigar and taking a puff

"So… how're the twins comin' along, Linda?" Zatanna asked, filing the social security forms

"Good. Jai's gettin' to be a big boy. He and Ali are at my sister's house now" Linda answered

"Ohhh boy, Selina's texting me to come to the bedroom again" Zatanna groaned, answering her

"Alright Zee darling, I'll cover for you" Nocturna said, walking in

"Thanks Natalia, you're a lifesaver" Zatanna replied, cleaning up her desk

"Anytime at all, sweetie" Nocturna said coyly, blowing the magician a kiss

"So Nocturna, how's the business with Madame Xanadu comin'?" Roman asked, putting his cigar out

"Splendidly well, Roman, thanks so much for asking" Nocturna answered in her elegant European accent

"Hey Daddy, hey Linda, hey Natalia" Silver said cheerfully, walking into the office

"Hello Silver darling. You are becoming quite the attractive young woman" Nocturna complimented

"Aww thanks Ms. Knight" Silver said, blushing

"Oh my dear child, please call me Natalia. Mrs. Knight was my grandmother" Nocturna corrected, chuckling

"So how was school kiddo? Get any good grades for your old man?" Roman asked

"Yup. Passed my calculus test. Got a 100" Silver answered

"That's my girl! We'll have to go to Bibbo's tonight and celebrate, how'd you like that, huh?" Roman offered

"Gosh, Dad, that'd be so swell! Can I bring Vesper?" Silver asked

"Sure, why not? She is your girlfriend and since she is the landlord in this joint, I see no problem about it" Roman said

"Ohhh Daddy, you're the best" Silver gushed, planting a smooch on Roman's cheek

"Hahaha she takes well after her pa, alright" Roman chuckled, ruffling Silver's hair

 **Meanwhile, in Dick and Amy Grayson's suite…**

"OMG you are not gonna believe this!" Amy cheered, waking Dick up

"whatever you're so hyped up for, it better not be that American Idol is getting renewed" Dick deadpanned

"No, silly boots, Tales from the Crypt is coming to TNT!" Amy squealed

"Hold on… that weird show with the really freaky puppet? You gotta be kidding me. What kind of an idiot would do a show like that?" Dick snorted in disbelief

"um, M. Night what's his name, I think" Amy answered, the record scratching

"Ohhh… you mean that guy who made that really, really crappy version of Last Airbender? The guy who makes all the stupid twists at the end? * **that*** guy?" Dick asked

"mm-hmm" Amy answered, nodding her head

"The Crypt Keeper's screwed" Dick replied apathetically

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear that a certain horror show is being rebooted, did I hear that right?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes, Mother, you did. We heard it on the radio this morning" Amy moaned

"Well, um, what's the one rule about watching such gross, gruesome and controversial TV trash in my household?" Hippolyta snarked

"Not to show it in front of the younger ones" Dick and Amy answered

"That's right. I don't want another incident like at Dinah's 2nd birthday party when your delinquent brother Jason dressed as that awful Pennywise clown and scared my poor baby birdie" Hippolyta said, recalling the incident

"Ok, Mom, we won't do it again" Dick and Amy said

"That's better. By the way, who rented the movie Krampus off of Pay per View?" Hippolyta asked, raising her brow

"I can only guess…" Dick snarled

"JAAAAAAAASSSSSOOOOOOONNNNN!" Dick hollered

"Aw, man, not again…" Red Hood groaned, about to receive a gentle whipping from his firm, extremely loving and somewhat heavily overbearing mother…

 **Later….**

"So, I trust we learned our lesson about sneaking movies without parental permission, hmm?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes Mother, I'll ask you and Dad from now on. And I'll also apologize to Dinah for scaring her" Red Hood replied

"Good boy. Now I don't want this to ever, ever happen again, young man, because if it does, you will be on Monitor Womb duty for three. Whole. Weeks. Am I understood?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes Ma'am" Red Hood said respectfully

"There, that's better, you sound much like a proper, mature adult male. You may run along now" Hippolyta said

"…is the scary clown gone now?" Dinah asked, hiding behind the couch

"yes sweetheart, you can come out now, Mommy wants to talk to you" Hippolyta cooed

"Have… have I been bad?" Dinah asked fearfully

"No, no, no of course not baby. Mommy just wants to tell you that what Jason dressed up as is just fictional, part of your imagination. It's not real" Hippolyta explained

"like aliens on Mars, mama?" Dinah asked quizzically

"Yes, sweetie, something like that" Hippolyta chuckled, amused with her daughter's eccentricities.

"When I grow up, I wanna be like that author Stephen King" Dinah said

"That's a very bold ambition darling, but you're too young to read his books. But, let me and Daddy talk about it and we'll decide. And what's the rule about reading adult books?" Hippolyta asked

"No repeating bad language or bad words in the house" Dinah answered

"That's my good girl, such a good girl" Hippolyta gushed, hugging Dinah close

"You see Jason, why can't you be more like Dinah?" Hippolyta asked

"Well… it's because of that little incident with the crowbar…" Red Hood started, Hippolyta quickly covering Dinah's ears

"…then I got resurrected by Dr. Fate, now I'm alive again, and I'm a member of the League" Red Hood finished

"That was a very long story big brother" Dinah said

"Yes it was honey, I'm glad you didn't hear the bad parts about it" Hippolyta responded

 **Later that night…**

"Hey guys! How was the movie?" Hippolyta asked as Mera, Dick, Amy and Helena came in, Helena carrying a snoring Dinah

"It was really good. Dinah fell asleep halfway" Helena said softly, not wanting to awaken her sister

"Aww, ok, I'll go put her to bed" Hippolyta whispered, grunting as she picked up Dinah

"Oh my goodness, she's getting to be a big girl" Hippolyta heaved, patting Dinah's back as she slept

"You noticed just now?" Jason snarked, Dick slapping him up the head

"Shhhh… your sister's sleeping" Hippolyta said quietly, putting her finger to her lips, walking up the stairs with Dinah in her arms

"…I told you taking Dinah to see The Revenant was a bad idea" Amy hissed, far out of Hippolyta's hearing range

"…of course your teddy bear isn't gonna attack you, honey. Why on Hera would you ask that?" Hippolyta asked off-screen

"Looks like your ass is hers, bucko" Dick snarked as Hippolyta grabbed Jason by the throat

"Monitor Womb, this instant young man!" Hippolyta barked, Red Hood walking off

"Mommy?" Dinah whimpered, in her blue pajamas

"oh… baby girl. Mommy's not mad, honey. Jason was a bad boy, but you're not a bad girl, are you?" Hippolyta cooed, stroking Dinah's hair

"can you sleep with me tonight please? I'm too scared to sleep alone" Dinah said quietly

"Ok sweetheart. You go get into bed, Mommy will be right there, ok?" Hippolyta said, kissing Dinah's head

 **In Hippolyta's and Harvey's bedroom…**

"I specifically told Jason not to see The Revenant so he tricks me and takes my little Dinah with him! Honestly, Harvey, what are we gonna do with him?!" Hippolyta groaned, putting on her nightgown as Harvey sat in the master bed, reading the newspaper

"Look, just relax, honey, ok? I talked with him in the Monitor Womb, he says he won't be doing any of that stuff for some time" Harvey replied, putting his newspaper on the nightstand

"Oh and I'll be sleeping in Dinah's room again. She had nightmares about that clown during her nap this morning" Hippolyta added, taking her pillow

"Sounds good to me. Anything that makes our little girl happy" Harvey commented, kissing Hippolyta on the lips

"Hey sweetie, Mommy's here, honey" Hippolyta cooed, getting into Dinah's room to sigh happily as Dinah was sound asleep in her bed, snoring softly

"aww… my baby …" Hippolyta said quietly, climbing in under the comforter and cuddling close to her daughter

"…Mommy, I love you and Daddy so very much…" Dinah mumbled in her sleep, sucking her thumb

"You're such a sweet girl, my little canary" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah's cheek before drifting off to sleep

 **The next morning…**

"Dinah? Dinah, sweetie, time to wake up now" Hippolyta cooed, shaking Dinah's shoulder. But Dinah was sound asleep

"Aww…" Hippolyta cooed as Dinah snored softly, hugging her prized teddy bear

"Ok honey, Mommy's gonna go make some breakfast, k? I'll wake you up in a little bit" Hippolyta said, getting out of the bed

"Mmm… ok" Dinah mumbled sleepily, snoring again

"Aww, ok sleep tight sweetheart" Hippolyta crooned, walking out of the room

"Hey, where's Dinah?" Helena asked, serving Jason and Tim some pancakes

"She's still asleep. She's really zonked out from the movie last night" Hippolyta said

"aww, ok, should I wake her up?" Helena asked politely

"no, no, honey, she needs her rest. She's off of school this month, plus she's been interning a lot lately, just let her sleep in a bit, ok? She'll wake up, I promise" Hippolyta said assuringly

"morning" Dinah moaned, walking down the stairs zombielike

"good morning sunshine! There's my little birdie" Hippolyta cooed, kissing Dinah on both cheeks

"you ok there, pumpkin? Your forehead's feelin' kinda hot" Two-Face said, feeling Dinah's forehead

"awww… my poor baby has a fever" Hippolyta cooed, cradling Dinah in her arms

"Im so sleepy…" Dinah yawned tiredly

"Shhhh… Mommy's gonna put you on the couch to sleep on, ok? Me and big sis Helena and daddy are gonna help you feel better, ok?" Hippolyta said sweetly, gently pinching Dinah's cheek

"that tickles" Dinah giggled before yawning widely and snoring softly

"aww… my little angel…" Hippolyta cooed, rocking Dinah back and forth

 **Later…**

"Ok baby, you gotta drink this, ok?" Hippolyta said, handing Dinah a small cup of Sprite as Dinah was tucked into the living room couch with her teddy bear, her iPhone, her laptop and all her stuffed animals

"Ok Mommy" Dinah croaked weakly, taking a sip of her drink

"Good girl, good girl, ok you can go to sleep now" Hippolyta cooed, tucking Dinah in and placing her teddy bear around Dinah's arms

"Mommy?" Dinah asked, sleep quickly filling her body

"Yes, sweetie?" Hippolyta asked, stroking her cheek

"Will I feel better again?" Dinah asked, her eyes slowly closing

"Yes you will, baby, yes you will. Now it's time to get some good sleep" Hippolyta said, kissing Dinah's forehead

"Shhhh… sleep tight, my little angel, Mommy loves you" Hippolyta cooed, as Dinah snored softly

"Poor little Dinah… are you sure she had her flu shots?" Helena asked worriedly

"Yes she did. I just spoke to Hush. He says Dinah has a fever. It'll wear off in 3 days tops" Hippolyta answered

"Can I go see if she's ok?" Helena asked, wanting desperately to care for her little sister

"Of course sweetheart you can go see your baby sister" Hippolyta cooed, Helena tiptoeing over to the couch where Dinah was sleeping

"Hey little sis, how you doing? You having some good dreams?" Helena spoke softly, stroking Dinah's blonde hair as Dinah snored softly, fast asleep

"I don't know if you can hear me while you're snoring and all, but I really hope you get better, ok? It's no fun with my favorite baby sister being sick and all. I love you so much and I wanna do anything it takes to make you happy. I love you my little canary" Helena said, hugging Dinah close

"Mmm… I love you too, big sis…" Dinah mumbled in her sleep before rolling over and snoring

"Yeah… that's it… get some rest sweetheart… dream on, big girl, dream on" Helena said, patting Dinah's back

 **3 days later…**

"Mommy! I rode on my bike today and I didn't even crash this time!" Dinah said cheerfully

"That's my girl! I'm so proud of you" Hippolyta cheered, picking Dinah up and kissing her at eye-level

"Mommy, I have something to tell you" Dinah said as Hippolyta was tucking her into bed

"what is it honey?" Hippolyta asked

"Im a lesbian" Dinah said, joyous happy tears running down Hippolyta's face

"Oh… I'm so happy for you, honey, you're growing up so fast…" Hippolyta sniffled, hugging her close

"Ok, goodnight Mom, I love you" Dinah said, kissing Hippolyta on the cheek before laying down and snoring

"Goodnight sweetheart, I love you too" Hippolyta said softly, kissing Dinah's forehead as she walked out

"Sleep tight baby sis, I love you" Helena whispered, laying down next to her


	3. Monty Python Sketches Part 1 of 23

**All Along the Watchtower Part 4**

"Oh, geez, Kyle, are you playing Call of Duty Black Ops III again?" Jade groaned

"Yeah" Kyle answered

"Ugh, geez, it's the lamest game ever. Nothing but *bang! Bang! Bang!* over and over" Jade moaned, tossing a frying pan over her head

*CLONK*

"Ow!" Robin moaned off-screen

"Yeah, so who cares if people enjoy it?" Kyle asked

"I'm just saying, it's the same game with different levels and some minor tweaks" Jade added as she felt her cellphone buzz

"Where you going?" Kyle asked, pausing the game

"Oh, I have to defeat Parallax who kidnapped Star Sapphire again" Jade answered in boredom

"Can I come along?" Kyle asked hopefully

"Sure thing, if you pay me $60" Jade answered

"Ehhh… I'll stop by the pawn shop" Kyle groaned, walking off to find his wallet

 **Later…**

"alright recruit! YOUR MISSION IS TO DEFEAT ALL INTRUDERS!" Arkillo barked loudly

"Sir, yes, sir!" a young Sinestro Corps recruit said

"ALL SOLDIERS WILL RECEIVE A WEAPON: A STANDARD ISSUE BACKPACK THAT EXPLODES WHEN YOU GET SHOT" Arkillo shouted loudly, handing the Corps recruit a standard yellow backpack

"Hey, how come the enemies get a gun and all I get is a *CENSORED* backpack?!" the recruit snapped

"YOU'RE OUTTA ORDER, RECRUIT!" Arkillo growled

"You know what? I'm just gonna head home" the recruit said, tossing his backpack away in disgust

"RECRUITS! WE HAVE A DEFECTOR! SEIZE HIM" Arkillo ordered, the recruit skillfully dodging a charging wall of Sinestro Corps members as they fell off the cliff and fell into the fiery lava

"Wow, did I just do that?" the recruit asked in amazement

"You win this round" Arkillo grunted in defeat

 **Much later…**

"Superman! Excuse me, Superman!" Booster Gold hollered, rushing up to him

"Yes?" Superman asked, snapping out of a daze

"I'm sorry to interrupt. I was standing at a park bench, took my coat off, and when I came back, I found $40 stolen" Booster explained

"Hmm… did you see anyone who took it?" Superman asked questioningly

"no, not at all" Booster answered

"well… there's nothing more we can do" Superman replied, exhaling

"um… you wanna come back to my place?" Booster offered

"yeah, alright" Superman answered

 **Let's now go live to the man in the street and ask him what he thinks**

"I'm not a man, you silly billy" Hippolyta purred

"I'M NOT EVEN IN THE STREET, YOU FAIRY!" Red Hood yelled irately, sitting on the roof

"er, well, speaking as, er, a man in the street-WAAH!" Dr. Fate yelped as he was hit by a passing bus

"can you repeat the question, please?" Robin asked stupidly

 **Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy?**

*beat*

 **Oh, never mind**

"well, I think, er, customs people are quite necessary and I think they're doing quite a good job, really" Green Arrow said, looking very oddly like a young Eric Idle as he was in a flat playing chess with Kyle, who had his hands on his head, before hearing rather loud door-banging

"Door's open" Green Arrow said, Superman; who looked eerily similar to the late Graham Chapman turned around

"all right, all right, all right. My name's Police Constable Henry Thatcher and this is a raid. I have reasons to believe there are certain substances on the premises" Superman announced

"Well, er, what sort of substances, officer?" Green Arrow asked

"er… certain substances" Superman answered rather dimly

"well, what sort of certain substances?" Green Arrow repeated

"er, certain substances of an illicit nature" Superman said

"er, could you be more specific?" Green Arrow asked

"I beg your pardon?" Superman asked, doing a double take

"Could you be clearer?" Green Arrow repeated, more specific

"Oh, oh… yes, er… certain substances on the premises to be removed for clinical tests" Superman answered

"Have you got anything particular in mind, officer?" Green Arrow asked

"well, what have you got?" Superman wondered

"Nothing, officer" Green Arrow stated honestly

"You are Sandy Camp, the actor?" Superman asked interrogatively

"Yes" Green Arrow answered

"I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie" Superman stated, a goofy look on his face

"What are you after?" Green Arrow wondered

"Oo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Here is a brown paper bag I have found on the premises. I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical examinations" Superman bellowed, rather pathetically pulling a brown paper bag out of his pocket

"Wait a minute, you got that outta your pocket" Green Arrow snapped

"What?" Superman gasped

"Well, what's in it, anyway?" Green Arrow wondered, opening the bag "Sandwiches?"

"Sandwiches? Blimey, whatever did I give the wife?" Superman gasped

 **Dear DC Comics, East Grinstead, Friday.**

 **I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch.**

 **My lover, in common with a lot of people her age, is twenty.**

 **For how long are we to put up with these things?**

 **Yours sincerely, P.L. Isley (Mrs.)**

 **Dear DC Comics, Bagshot, Surrey.**

 **As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous letter.**

 **I am nearly forty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the DC Comics Home Service.**

 **If this continues to go on unabated… Dunkirk… dark days of the war… backs to the wall… Alvar Liddell… Berlin air lift… moral upheaval of Profumo case… young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing**

 **Yours etc, Brigadier Roman Sionis (Mrs.)**

"Well I think they should attack things, like that- with satire. I mean Ned Sherrin. Fair's fair. I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me" Linda said in an East End accent

"Well I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes which permit the establishment to survive and keep the mores of the whole country back when they were in the nineteenth century and the ghastly days of the pre-sexual revolution" Batman stated obnoxiously, before Booster knocked him out with a punch to the head

"well, that's, er, very interesting, because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood" Martian Manhunter said in a Scottish accent

"Well, I think, er, they should attack the lower classes, er, first with bombs, and rockets destroying their homes, and then when they run helplessly into the streets, er, mowing them down with machine guns. Er, and then of course, releasing the vultures. I know these views aren't popular, but I never courted popularity" Black Mask said in a vox pop

 **A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON METROPOLIS MOWBRAY**

"Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat" Nightwing said joviantly, facing Black Mask at the counter

"Certainly, sir, I've got a lovely terrier" Black Mask responded, placing a box on the counter

"No, er, I want a cat, really" Nightwing clarified, Black Mask taking the box off the counter then putting it back on the counter as if it is a different box "Oh yeah, how about that?" Black Mask replied

"No, er, that's the terrier" Nightwing said

"Well, it's as near as dammit" Black Mask responded

"Well, what do you mean? I want a cat" Nightwing countered

"Listen, tell you what. I'll file it's legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks and there you are, a lovely pussy cat" Black Mask offered

"It's not a proper cat" Nightwing remarked

"what do you mean?" Black Mask asked

"well, er, it wouldn't meow" Nightwing answered

"well, er, it would howl a bit" Black Mask snickered

"No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?" Nightwing asked

"No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though… I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. No problem. Lovely parrot" Black Mask offered, pulling up a box labeled Beaks

"and, er, how long would that take?" Nightwing asked

"Oh, let me see…. Er, stripping the fur off, no legs… Clark! Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?" Black Mask hollered

"No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale and I got the frogs to let out" Superman answered off-screen

"Friday?" Black Mask asked

"No, I need it tomorrow, it's a present" Nightwing answered

"Oh dear, er, it's a long job… you see parrot conversion… Tell you what, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good…" Black Mask started

"er, you'd need a very big tank" Nightwing stated

"er, it's a great conversation piece" Black Mask offered

"er, all right, all right…. But, er, only if I can watch" Nightwing finished

 **HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY**

 **NO. 1**

 **THE LARCH**

 **THE LARCH. THE LARCH**

"Mr. Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?" Hush asked, wearing a judge's robe and wig, Nightwing in the defendant box

"Well… er, I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family… a wife and six kids… and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom… because… well, because m'lud, freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!" Nightwing shouted loudly

"It's only a bloody parking offence" Hush deadpanned

"I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car parking. Er… don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs. Lois Lewis" Batman announced, dressed in a counsel's robe as Lois entered

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so anyway. I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg. I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the higher purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind, so Mrs. Harris said, she said, she said, she said, the dead crab, she said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over the Bratbys, well they do, don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced. And he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said!" Lois babbled as the counsel bundled her out

"Mr. Wayne, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness" Hush droned in disgust

"My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Jor-El Aldridge" Batman announced

"THE LATE JOR-EL ALDRIDGE?!" Hush thundered in shock

"Yes m'lud" Batman said confidently as six men hauled in a casket

"Mr. Wayne, do-do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?" Hush snapped

"I beg your pardon m'lud?" Batman asked

"Well, er, I mean, your witness is dead" Hush stated obviously

"Yes, m'lud. Er, well, er, virtually, m'lud" Batman answered

"He's not completely dead?" Hush asked in confusion

"No he's not completely dead m'lud, no. But he's not at all well" Batman continued

"What?! But if he's not dead, then what's he doing in a coffin?" Hush snapped

"Oh it's merely a precaution m'lud~ if I may continue. Now, Mr. Aldridge, you were…er, you are a stockbroker of 10 Krypton Close, Wimbledon?" Batman asked aloud, a loud bang from the coffin erupting in response

"Mr. Aldridge…" Batman started

"WHAT WAS THAT KNOCK?!" Hush bellowed

"It means yes, m'lud, one knock for yes and two knocks for no, if I may continue. Mr. Aldridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well?" Batman asked, another bang

"In fact Mr. Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, dead?" Batman continued, silence from the coffin. "Mr. Aldridge I put it to you that you are dead" Batman repeated, no answer. "I think I'd better take a look milord" Batman said, opening the coffin and gazing in for a few moments before closing it

"No further questions milord" Batman announced

"What do you mean, no further questions?! You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say no further questions. I demand an explanation" Hush barked

"There are no easy answers in this case, milord" Batman answered

"I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about" Hush smirked

"Milord, the strange, damnable, almost diabolical threads of this extraordinarily tangled web of intrigue will shortly, milord, reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous…" Batman rambled insanely

"Mr. Wayne, your client has pleaded guilty to the parking offence" Hush moaned in boredom

"Parking offence, schmarking offence, milord. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu" Batman ordered

"oh, you're trying to string this case out, Cardinal Richelieu?" Hush snapped

"A character witness milord" Batman explained apologetically as Sinestro walked in dressed in robes, accompanied by a rather campy fanfare of trumpets

"'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be here, you know. I just love your country, London is so beautiful at this time of year" Sinestro said flamboyantly

"er, you are Cardinal Sinestro du Plessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Hal Jordan XIII?" Batman questioned

"Oui" Sinestro answered

"Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetrated the religious schism in Europe?" Batman asked again

"That's what they say" Sinestro answered

"Did you persecute the Thangarians?" Batman asked

"Oui"

"and did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?"

"I sure did that thing"

"Cardinal, are you acquainted with the defendant, Richard "Dick" Larch?"

"Since I was so high"

"and, er, speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Hal XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world- would you say that Dick Larch was a man of good character?"

"Listen, Dickie is a very wonderful human being"

"Milord, in view of the impeccable nature of this character witness, may I plead for clemency?"

"Oh but it's only thirty shillings" Hush whined

"NOT SO FAST!" Superman shouted dramatically, rushing in

"why not?" Larch asked snarkily

"None of your smart answers… you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim!" Superman shouted

 **DIM OF THE YARD**

"Dim! Consternation! Uproar!" a group of Omnes said

"Yes, and I believe I have a few questions to ask Cardinal so-called Sinestro" Superman added

"Bonjour, Monsieur Dim" Sinestro greeted

"So called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died December 1642" Superman spoke

"that is correct" Sinestro answered

"Aha! He fell for my little trap" Superman exclaimed, met with applause

"Curse you, Inspector Dim! You are too clever for us naughty people" Sinestro snarled

"And furthermore, may I suggest you are none other than Sinestro Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator" Superman continued

"It's a fair cop" Sinestro sighed in defeat

"It's all in a day's work" Superman stated proudly

"My life you're clever, Dim. He'd certainly taken me in" Hush spoke impressed

"with a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman" Hush continued

"Yes" Superman said

"what?" Hush asked, a piano started playing the introduction to a song

" _If I were not in the CID,_

 _Something else I'd like to be_

 _If I were not in the CID,_

 _A window cleaner, me!_

 _With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub_

 _And a rub-a-dub all day long_

 _With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub dub,_

 _I'd sing this merry song!"_ Superman sung, conducting the entire court in a repeat of the verse and ending just as a completely out of character Batman started singing

" _If I were not before the bar,_

 _Something else I'd like to be_

 _If I were not a barrister,_

 _An engine driver, me!_

 _With a chuff-chuff-chuff…"_ Batman started, stopping as the eyes of everyone were trained and fixated on him

 **Hello again now here's a sketch from Gotham town. They've been writing for three hours and they called this little number- here it is, it's called~ Restaurant Sketch!**

"It's nice here, isn't it?" Lady Blackhawk said cheerfully, seating across from Superman

"Oh very good restaurant, three stars you know" Superman commented

"Really?" Lady Blackhawk asked in amazement

"Mm-hmm" Superman answered

"Good evening monsieur, good evening madam! And may I say, what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!" Hush said in a jubilant French accent

"Oh thank you" Superman said politely as he and Zinda looked through the menus

"Oh, if I may suggest, sir… the pheasant a la reine, the sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations" Hush added

"Erm… that sounds good, anyway, just have a look… take your time… Oh, er, by the way- got a bit of a dirty fork, could you… er… get me another one?" Superman asked

"I beg your pardon?" Hush spoke

"Oh! It's nothing… er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one, thank you" Superman said politely

"Oh… sir, I do apologize" Hush apologized

"Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me" Superman stated, hoping to avoid an embarrassment

"Oh no, no, no, no. I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediately!" Hush spoke

"Oh, there's no need to do that" Superman said

"Oh no, no… I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once" Hush said, racing off

"Well, you certainly get good service here" Lady Blackhawk spoke

"They really look after you, yes" Superman replied as Black Mask entered

"Excuse me monsieur and madam…" Black Mask said, examining the fork before whirling back to face Hush. "Tommy! Find out who washed this up and give them their cards immediately" Black Mask roared

"Oh, no, no" Superman said

"Better still, we cant take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff" Black Mask growled, Hush trembling in fear

"No, look, I don't want to make any trouble" Superman said worriedly

"Oh no please, no trouble, it's quite right that you should point these things out immediately" Black Mask said more calmly before facing Hush again. "Tommy, tell the manager what has happened IMMEDIATELY!" Black Mask roared, Hush racing off in a panic

"Oh, no, no I don't want to cause any fuss" Superman said

"Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply want to wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal" Black Mask said

"Oh, I'm, er, sure it wont. It, er, it was only a dirty fork" Superman added

"I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that… no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery…" Black Mask ranted

"It wasn't smelly" Superman said, politely interrupting

"It was smelly and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it… nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork…" Black Mask rambled as he dashed off just as a forlorn Green Arrow entered

"Good evening sir, good evening madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard… may I sit down?" Green Arrow asked

"Yes, of course" Superman said

"I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork" Green Arrow continued

"Oh please, it's only a tiny bit… I couldn't see it" Superman confessed

"Ah you're a good kind fine people, for saying that, but *I* can see it… to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus" Green Arrow started, beginning his descent into despair and madness

"Oh… it's not as bad as that" Superman said, trying to comfort the upset manager

"It gets me here. I cant give you any excuses for it- there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well… things aren't going very well back there. The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs. Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her fingers, and then there's Roman's war wound- but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch… there was light at the end of the tunnel… now this… now this…" Green Arrow blubbered, starting to sob

"Can… can I get you some water?" Lady Blackhawk asked sweetly

"IT'S THE END OF THE ROAD!" Green Arrow wailed, bursting into tears

Lady Blackhawk patted Green Arrow's head just as a tall and very, very angry Batman entered

"YOU BASTARDS!" Batman shouted, Superman leaping back and laughing a little in relief

"YOU VICIOUS, HEARTLESS, BASTARDS! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM! HE'S WORKED HIS FINGERS TO THE BONE TO MAKE THIS PLACE WHAT IT IS, AND YOU COME IN WITH YOUR PETTY FEEBLE QUIBBLING AND YOU GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT, THIS FINE, HONOURABLE MAN, WHOSE BOOTS YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO KISS. OH…. IT MAKES ME MAD… MAD!" Batman screamed, plunging his cleaver into the table, Superman and Lady Blackhawk leaping back in horror, just as Black Mask rushed in to restrain him

"easy, Bruce, easy.. easy…" Roman said soothingly, before feeling a tinge in his head. "Bruce, ooh! The war wound!" Roman groaned, Bruce yowling dramatically

"It's the end…" Green Arrow sobbed

"GAAAAHH! THEY DESTROYED HIM!" Batman yelled

"The end…" Green Arrow repeated, grimacing as he stabbed himself with the fork and crumpled to the floor

"HE'S DEAD!" Batman blubbered before glaring savagely at Superman and Lady Blackhawk, who were quite frightened.

"They killed him" Batman growled, lunging for his cleaver

"REVENGE! **RRRRRRREEEEEEEEVVVVEEEEEEENNNNNGGGGEEEEE!"** Batman thundered dramatically, about to bring the cleaver down on Superman's head until Roman stopped him

"NO, BRUCE! No! Never… kill a customer" Roman exhaled before groaning about the wound as he fell to the floor, Batman wailing like a banshee just as Hush tackled Batman from behind and both crashed to the floor in an unceremonious heap

 **AND NOW… THE PUNCH-LINE**

"Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife" Superman joked, only to be booed relentlessly by the audience

 **PART TWO'S**

 **THE ROYAL PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA GOES TO THE BATHROOM**

"Have you finished in there yet?" Nightwing asked, tapping the bathroom door, to hear the Tchaikovsky piano orchestra. Nightwing sighed in disgust

 **Dear Sir,**

 **I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn this fanfic has now taken. Why do we never hear about the good things in Gotham like Mera Bignall's wonderful jump in 1994?**

 **Yours etc,**

 **Kyle Voyeur**

 **Dear Sir,**

 **I object strongly to the obvious athletic turns this fanfic has now taken. Why cant we hear more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom**

 **Dear Sir,**

 **I object strongly to the letters on your story. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh.**

 **Yours sincerely etc.,**

 **Roman Knickers**

"From the plastic arts, we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Bludhaven, we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Bludhaven United came of age, in an American sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanfiro. Gotham indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Bludhaven team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kryptonian positivism and outstanding in this fine Bludhaven team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield cognoscento, Roland "Blockbuster" Buzzard" Black Mask finished, sitting in an interview chair next to Blockbuster II

"Good evening Roman" Roland said rather stupidly

"Roland, at least one aging football commentator was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed Mediterranean defence" Black Mask said

"Good evening, Roman" Roland repeated

"Were you surprised at the way the Thangarian ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?" Roman asked, losing patience

"Well Roman… I'm opening a boutique" Roland said, acting like an idiot savant

"This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player, is it not?" Roman asked

"…I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net" Roland added, smiling and gazing around

"Do-do you think Bludhaven will adopt a more defensive posture for the 1st leg of the next tie in Gotham?" Roman asked nervously

"I hit the ball the first time and there it was in the back of the net" Roland repeated, confidently

"Yes, yes- but have you any plans for dealing with the free-scoring Gotham forwards?" Roman asked, exasperated

"well Roman… I'm opening a boutique" Roland said, Roman sighing and throwing his paper away in disgust


	4. Monty Python Sketches Part 2

**All Along the Watchtower Part 5**

 **A SMALL BOARDING HOUSE IN MINEHEAD, BLUDHAVEN**

"Hello? Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, is it?" Hippolyta asked kindly, greeting the young couple in

"That's right, yes" Dick answered in a posh European accent

"Well come on in, excuse me not shaking hands, but I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boil" Hippolyta explained

"Very nice" Dick said, he and Amy entering

"Well you must be tired, it's a long drive from Gotham, isn't it?" Hippolyta asked

"Yes, well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours, and it took us six hours and fifty-three minutes, with a twenty-five minute wait at Gotham Cottrell to stretch our legs, only we had to wait half an hour to get on the M5 near Droitwich" Dick said, Amy nodding

"Really?" Hippolyta asked in curiosity

"Yes, there was a three-mile queue just before Bridgwater on the A38, only normally we come round on the B3339 just before Bridgwater you see…" Dick continued

"Really?" Hippolyta repeated

"Yes, but this time we decided to risk it because they're always saying they're going to widen it there" Dick added

"Are they?" Hippolyta said in amazement

"Yes, well just there by the intersection, where the A372 joins up, there's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only the grass verges. They could get another six feet… knock down that hospital… Then we took the coast road through Williton and got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe and Stogumber…" Dick rambled

"You must be dying for a cup of tea" Hippolyta asked sweetly, politely interrupting

"Well, er, wouldn't say no, not if it's warm or wet" Dick answered, Hippolyta escorting Amy and Dick to the lounge

"Come on in, Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, oh this is Mr. and Mrs. Rayner" Hippolyta announced, referring to Kyle and Jade sitting in the lounge

"Good afternoon" Kyle greeted politely, Dick shaking his hand

"Thank you" Dick said

"It's their third year with us, we can't keep you away, can we?" Hippolyta asked, giggling

"and over here is Mr. Hilter" Hippolyta added, directing Dick and Amy to Black Mask, Hush and Hal sitting at a table dressed like Adolf Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, and Ron von Ribbentrop

"ach, good time… good afternoon" Roman said in a thick German accent

"Ooh, planning a little excursion, are we Mr. Hilter?" Hippolyta asked giddily

"Ja! Ja! We make a little…" Black Mask said, before whispering to Hush in German

"Hike" Hush spoke

"We make a little hike for, for Bideford" Black Mask corrected

"Oh, well you'll be wanting the A39 then… no, no, you've got the wrong map there, this is Stalingrad, you want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section" Dick said, correcting the maps

"Ah Hein… Reginald you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-wicket American person" Black Mask chuckled

"I'm sorry Mein Fuhrer. I did not… Mein Dickie old chum" Hal corrected after Roman thwacked him up the head

"Lucky Mr. Grayson pointed that out, eh? You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad would you?" Hippolyta asked, unaware of the glare from Black Mask

"I said you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad would you, hehe?" Hippolyta giggled

"Not much fun in Stalingrad, no" Black Mask grumbled through clenched teeth

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't introduce you, this is Hal… Hal Vibbentrop" Hippolyta introduced

"Oh, not Von Ribbentrop?" Dick joked

"Nein! Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein! Oh! Ha, ha! No, different other chap. No I in Bludhaven am being born Von Ribbentrop is born in Gothamstrasse 46, Dusseldorf, West Eight. So they say!" Hal spoke fastly before Roman shoved him back down

"And this is the quiet one Mr. Bimmler" Hippolyta added

"How do you do, Mr. Bimmler?" Amy said, politely shaking Bimmler's hand

"How do you do there squire, also I am not Bludhaven, lad, but I in Peterborough, Metropolis house was given birth to, but stay in Peterborough Metropolis house all during war, owing to nasty running sores and was unable to go in the streets, er, play football, or, er, go to Nurnberg. I am retired window cleaner and pacifist without doing war crimes~ and am very glad Bludhaven win World Cup- Jim Gordon, Dudley Soames~ and eating lots of chips and fisch and hole in the toads, and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly line. Don't you know old chap I was head of Gestapo for ten years. F-five years! No, no, nein, I was not head of Gestapo at all…er, I made joke" Hal babbled as Black Mask sat him down

"Oooh Mr. Bimmler, you do have us on" Hippolyta chuckled giddily before hearing a telephone ring.

"Oh, excuse me, I must just go and answer that" Hippolyta spoke, leaving the room

"Er, how long are you down here for, Mr. Hilter? Just the fortnight?" Dick asked

"WHY DO YOU ASK THAT?! YOU A SPY OR SOMETHING? GET OVER THERE AGAINST THE WALL, AMERICAN PIG, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE" Black Mask hollered, drawing his revolver at Dick and Amy as Hush and Hal restrained him

"Take it easy Dickie old chum" Hal said calmly

"I'm sorry Mr. Grayson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945" Hush said apologetically

"Shut your cake hole, you Nazi" Black Mask snarled

"Cool it Fuhrer cat" Hal said rapidly

"Hahaha, the fun we have" Hush chuckled nervously

"Haven't I seen him on the television?" Amy asked

"Nicht! Nein, nein, nein, nein! Oh no" Hush said fearfully

"Television Doctor?" Dick asked

"No, no" Hush answered

"Telephone Mr. Hilter, it's that nice Mr. Brown from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour" Hippolyta piped up

"IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN… IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME" Black Mask screamed

"Shaddup!" Hush quickly barked, shoving Roman out the door

"Hahaha hire bombers by the hour, haha, what a laugh he is, that Irish person! Good old Arthur" Hush giggled, exiting

"He's on the phone the whole time nowadays" Hippolyta explained

"Is he in business?" Amy asked

"Soon, baby" Hal replied smugly

"Of course it's his big day Thursday. Oh, they've been planning it for months" Hippolyta gushed

"What happens then?" Dick asked

"Oh it's the North Bludhaven by-election. Mr. Hilter's standing as a National Bocialist candidate. He's got wonderful plans for Bludhaven" Hippolyta answered

"Like what?" Amy asked

"Well, for a start he wants to annex Missouri" Hippolyta answered

"Oh, North Bludhaven's Conservative isn't it?" Amy asked

"Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies" Hippolyta added

"Rallies?" Dick and Amy said in unison

"Well their Bocialist meetings, down at the Axis Café in Rosedale Road" Hippolyta answered

"I AM NOT A RACIALIST… BUT, UND THIS IS A BIG BUT, WE IN THE NATIONAL BOCIALIST PARTY BELIEVE DAS UBERLEBEN MUSS GESTAMMEN SEIN MIT DER SCHNEAKY ARMSTRONG-JONES. HISTORICHE GOTHAM IST VOLKERMEINIG VON BLUDHAVEN" Black Mask screamed, Hal at his side with Hush down below passing out flyers

"MR. HITLER… HILTER, HE SAYS THAT HISTORICALLY GOTHAM IS PART OF BLUDHAVEN" Hal announced

"He's right… do you know that?" Hush asked a yokel

"UND BRIDGWATER IST DIE LETZTE FUHLUNG DAS WIR HABEN IN BLUDHAVEN!" Black Mask bellowed, the crowds chanting Sieg Heil as Hal shoved Black Mask out the door

 **What do you think of Mr. Hilter's policies?**

"Well I don't like the sounds of these here boncentration bamps" Superman drawled, dressed as a yokel

"Well, er, I gave him my baby to kiss… and he bit it on the head!" Amy squawked

"Well, er, I think he'd do a lot of good for the American Stock Exchange" Batman said

"No… no…" Nightwing answered flatly

"Oh yes American pals he is wunderbar… ful. So" Hal said in a thick disguise

"I think he's right about the coons, but, er, then I'm a bit mental" Hippolyta giggled

"I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS" Red Hood hollered

"Well, speaking as Conservative candidate, I just drone on and on and on and on and on… never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise until I start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards" Superman rambled, eventually dripping foam from the mouth and collapsing backwards

 **THERE WILL NOW BE A SHORT INTERMISSION**

"Oo, I don't like this, ooh I don't like that. Oh I don't think much to all this. Oh fancy using that wallpaper. Fancy using mustard. Ooh, is that a proper one? Ooh, it's not real. Oh I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless they give you finger bowls. Ooh I don't like him. I'm going to have a baby in a few years" Amy babbled as a long-suffering Superman and her faced Hush

"Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of Formica. I'm sorry" Superman apologized

"That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and commit suicide" Hush said eloquently

"Oh, I'm sorry" Superman apologized

"It's all right, it's not because of anything serious" Hush chuckled, walking off before a gunshot rang out

"Quite frankly I'm against people who commit suicide, I don't like that sort of person at all. I'm plain people and I'm proud of it, my mum's the salt of the earth, and I don't take the pill 'cos it's nasty" Amy babbled just as Black Mask entered, wearing a head waiter's suit

"Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a little talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand…. Sorry I can't think of anything" Superman apologized

"Fine. I'm the head waiter, this is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it. So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small defenceless chicken, so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines, then I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to leave" Black Mask started

"No, no, no" Superman apologized

"Likewise if you were to ask us to slice the sides of a cow and serve it with small pieces of its liver… or indeed drain the life blood from a pig before cutting off one of its legs… or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with fresh brains, bowels, guts, and spleen of a small rabbit… WE WOULDN'T DO IT… not for food anyway" Black Mask said to the camera

"Quite frankly I'm against people who give vent to their loquacity by extraneous bombastic circumlocution" Amy babbled, Superman and Black Mask staring at her

"Ooh, I don't like that" Amy said

"Sometimes, Amy, I think you're almost human" Superman said, stealthily delivering an insult

"Do you know I still wet my bed?" Black Mask said, to no-one in particular

"Once I married someone who was beautiful, and young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her?" Superman asked in wonder

"You divorced her and married me" Amy snapped

"I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party. Trust me to arrive late" Black Mask added

"Always were late, weren't you Roman?" Nightwing said

"Hello Headmaster. What are you doing here?" Black Mask asked hopeful

"Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you. No more sherry for me don't you know. Sionis House beat Wayne House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable. We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre, bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves. Still… you haven't seen my wife anywhere have you?" Nightwing asked

"No" Black Mask answered

"Oh, thank God for that" Nightwing exhaled, exiting

"I don't like him. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same" Amy repeated as Two-Face dressed in Grecian robes appeared

"Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes. For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely to them it can construe" Two-Face spoke

"No… it… DOESN'T!" Black Mask hissed

"Sorry" Two-Face apologized

"Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood? Oh what a proper giveaway" Black Mask gasped

"No, we'd like to see the menu please. I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu, and anyway I might be pregnant" Amy ranted

"Perhaps you'd care for a drink?" Superman asked sarcastically

"Ever since you married me, Clark, you treated me like an albatross" Amy squawked as a nude Hush on a platter was wheeled out

"Evening" Hush said, taking the apple out of his mouth

"Good evening" Superman said nervously

"I hope you're going to enjoy me this evening, I'm the special. Try me with some rice" Hush added

"I beg your pardon?" Superman asked

"A Hush au gratin a la chef" Hush introduced himself

"Ah, uh, how do you do..." Superman said, leaning in to shake his hand

"Don't play with your food" Hush giggled

"I don't like that. There's dust on here. I don't think it's a proper meal without a pudding. My husband's an architect" Amy bragged

"Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip. Don't have any of the vicar over there. He's been over here two weeks and nobody's touched him. Nuff said?" Hush said

"Yes, thank you" Superman thanked

"Well, I must get on or I'll spoil. Linda, to the kitchen!" Hush ordered, sticking the apple back in his mouth as he was pulled into the kitchen

"There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir" Robin said

"I don't know who keeps bringing them in here" Black Mask hissed

"Oh I don't like that. I think it's silly. It's not a proper sketch without a proper punchline. I mean, I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid. I'm muggings. Nobody cares what I think. I'm always the one that has to do everything. Nobody cares about me. Well I'm going to have a lot of bloody babies and they can bloody well care about me. Makes you sick half this television. They never stop talking, he'll be the ruination of her- rhythm method!" Amy ranted

"Hello, er, no, wrong number I'm afraid, this is a psychiatrist speaking. Next please. Er, come in" Black Mask said, just as a disgruntled Hush dressed in a Napoleon suit entered

"Bow, wow, wow" Hush moaned apathetically

"Ah Mr. Elliot, come on in. take a seat. Now what seems to be the problem?" Black Mask asked

"No, no, no. No. No" Hush said, shaking his head

"I'm sorry?" Black Mask asked

"Oh can't you do better than that? I mean it's so predictable, I've seen it a million times. Knock, knock, knock come in, ah Mr. Elliot take a seat. I've seen it and seen it" Hush drawled

"Well, look, will you please sit down and do your first line" Black Mask pleaded

"No. No. I've had enough. I've had enough" Hush grumbled, exiting

"…I can't even get it started" Black Mask said to himself

"Albatross!" Hush hollered offscreen

"SHADDUP!" Black Mask shouted

"Oh it drives me mad" Black Mask growled

"A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new" Green Arrow smirked

"Next please" Black Mask sighed, just as a knocking on the door was heard

"Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress, gain admittance, infiltrate" Black Mask said, reading through a dictionary as Green Arrow entered

"Ah, Mr. Queen. Come on in, take a seat. What's, what's the matter?" Black Mask asked, Hush blowing a raspberry in Limbo

"Now what's the matter?" Black Mask asked as Green Arrow sat down

"I keep hearing guitars playing and people singing when there's no one around" Green Arrow explained

"Yes, well this is not at all uncommon. In certain mental states we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most…" Black Mask started before pausing as the song we're all going to the zoo tomorrow was heard

"Is that we're all going to the zoo tomorrow?" Black Mask asked

"Yes, yes it is" Green Arrow answered

"Is-is it always that?" Black Mask asked

"No" Green Arrow answered

"Well, that's something" Black Mask remarked

"But it's mostly folk songs" Green Arrow added

"Oh my God" Black Mask gasped, looking very concerned

"Last night I had I'll never fall in love again for six hours" Green Arrow continued

"Well, look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this. I want you to see a colleague of mine, a specialist in these sort of things, who has an office very much like this as well" Black Mask instructed

"No, no wrong number I'm afraid. I'm a colleague of his, a surgeon, who specializes in these kind of things. Yes, thank you very much" Superman said over the phone, hanging up

"Next please" Superman said as Green Arrow knocked on the door

"Come in, ah Mr. Queen, come in, please take a seat" Superman said politely, as Green Arrow sat down, we're all going to the zoo tomorrow playing faintly in the background, Hush smacking his forehead irately

"My colleague who has a similar office has explained your case to me. Mr. Queen, as you know, I am a leading Metropolis Street surgeon as seen on television" Superman said dramatically, playing Dr. Kildare on the gramophone record

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. It's nothing to worry about although it is extremely dangerous. I shall be juggling with your life, I shall be playing ducks and drakes with your very existence, I shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow. Yes! These hands, these fingers, these sophisticated organs of touch, these bunches of five, these maulers, these German bands that have pulled many a moribund unfortunate back from the very brink of Lazarus' box. No, it was Pandora's box wasn't it? Well, anyway these mits have earned yours truly a lot of bread. So, if you'll step through here I'll slit you up a treat" Superman monologued dramatically

"What?" Green Arrow asked, mortified

"Mr. Queen, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong" Superman stated

"Right, I'm prepared to make the incision. Knife, please, sister" Superman ordered as Livewire took a small knife and handed it to him

"What's that supposed to be? Gimme a big one" Superman barked, snatching a big knife and strops it on a steel sharpener

"…oh I do enjoy this" Superman said excitedly with manic glee

"Right" Superman said, cutting the slit open

"Oh, what a great slit. Now, ladies, I am going to open the slit" Superman said, opening the slit and to his surprise, an LSD squatter popped up

"Too much man, groovy, great scene. Great light show, baby" Kyle babbled, apparently stoned

"What are you doing in there?" Superman asked

"We're doing our own thing, man" Kyle answered

"Have you got Mr. Queen's permission to be in there?" Superman asked interrogatively

"We're squatters, baby" Kyle answered

"What? Nurse, wake him up" Superman ordered, Volcana lightly slapping Green Arrow

"Don't get uptight, man. Join the scene and other phrases. Money isn't real" Kyle droned

"It is where I'm standing and it blows my mind, young man" Superman said sternly, leaning in closer to the slit

"Good Lord! Is that a nude woman?" Superman asked, shocked

"She's doing an article on us for 'Nova', man" Kyle answered

"Hi everyone. Are you part of the scene" Jade said, popping open

"Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?" Superman asked just as Green Arrow woke up

"What's going on? Who are they?" Green Arrow asked fearfully

"That's what we're trying to find out" Superman stated

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY STOMACH?!" Green Arrow squawked

"We don't know. Are they paying you any rent?" Superman asked

"OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME RENT!" Green Arrow snapped

"You're not furnished, you fascist" Kyle shot back

"GET THEM OUT!" Green Arrow squawked

"I can't" Superman said

"GET THEM OUT!" Green Arrow squawked loudly

"No, I can't, Not, not without a court order" Superman stated

"Shaddup! You're keeping us awake!" Blue Beetle III piped up, popping his head open

 **ONE COURT ORDER LATER….**

"You are hereby ordered to vacate Mr. Queen forthwith. And or" Black Mask ordered

"Piss off, fuzz!" Kyle snapped

"RIGHT! THAT'S IT, WE'RE GOING IN! RELEASE THE DOGS!" Black Mask barked, diving into the slit

 **FACE THE PRESS**

"Hello. Tonight on Face the Press we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister of Home Affairs who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamanté collar necklace. The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right- putting the case against the Government- is a small patch of brown liquid… which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. Good evening. Minister, may I put the first question to you? In your plan 'A Better Gotham For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater Gotham area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?" Amy finally asked Batman

"No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high pitched whine… you see housing is a problem really…" Batman started

"well, while the minister is answering this question I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Bludhaven. The low slim-line has been cut off the shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure. Well, I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion. Thank you very much minister. Today saw the appointment of a new head…" Amy continued

"Don't I say any more?" Batman asked

"No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command- Air Chief Marshall Sir Sinestro "Kill the Qwardrians" Forster. He's in our Metropolitan studio…" Hush started

"Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what? The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola…" Sinestro said flamboyantly as Helena shut off the TV and answered the door

"Hello? Mrs. Rogers?" Joker asked

"No… Ooh! I must be in the wrong house!" Helena gasped, slamming the door and leaping out the window and walking over to the house next door

"…so from now on, we're going to do things my way. For a start Will Magnus is going to design the bombs and I've seen the plans…" Sinestro continued before the doorbell rang

"Ooh, that must be the new gas cooker!" Helena gasped excitedly, walking over to the door and opening it

 **NEW COOKER SKETCH**

"Morning. Mrs. Grace Crump?" Black Mask asked, Giganta behind him

"No, Mrs. Helena Queen" Huntress said

"This is 46 Egernon Crescent?" Black Mask asked

"No, no, Road, Egernon Road" Huntress corrected as Black Mask looked through the paper

"Road, yes, says here, yeah. Right, could I speak to Mrs. Grace Crump, please?" Black Mask asked

"Oh, there's nobody here of that name. It's Mrs. Helena Queen, 46 Egernon Road" Helena repeated

"Well it says Crump here, don't it Doris?" Black Mask said, turning to Giganta for approval

"Yeah~ it's on the invoice" Giganta answered in a butch masculine voice.

"Yeah, definitely Crump" Black Mask added

"Well there must've been a mistake because the address is right and that's definitely the cooker I ordered – a blue and white CookEasi" Huntress complained

"Oh, well, you can't have this, this is Crump" Black Mask said

"Oh dear, well, what are we going to do?" Huntress asked worriedly

"well I dunno, what we can do for you is take it back to the Depot, get a transfer slip from Crump to Queen, and put it on a special delivery" Black Mask offered

"Yeah- that's best. We'll special it for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in ten weeks" Giganta added

"TEN WEEKS?!" Huntress squawked

"Can't you leave this one?" Huntress pleaded

"What this? What, leave it here?" Black Mask asked, doing a double take

"Yes" Huntress squawked

"Well I dunno. I suppose we could" Black Mask wondered

"Oh, but she'd have to fill out a temporary dispatch note" Giganta replied

"Yeah we could leave it out on a temporary dispatch note" Black Mask concluded

"Well that's sorted out then. What a mess, isn't it?" Huntress asked, chuckling

"I know, I know it's ridiculous really, but there you are. Glad we could be of such a help. Right, would you sign it down there Mrs. Crump?" Black Mask asked as he and Giganta wheeled the cooker into the house

"Queen" Helena corrected

"Queen. Listen, just for the books, er, make it a bit easier, could you sign it Crump-Queen?" Black Mask asked, offering Helena his pen

"Right" Helena replied, signing away

"Right. Thank you very much, dear. The cooker's yours. Right. Thank you very much dear. Sorry about the bother… but there you are… you know…Cheerio!" Black Mask cheered, walking out

"Cheerio, Mrs. Crump" Giganta added rather dimly as Helena looked back and forth at the passing Giganta and the not installed cooker

"Heh, excuse me! Cooie! Er, can you put it in the kitchen?" Helena asked

"…you what?" Black Mask said, him and Giganta rushing back

"Well I can't cook on it unless it's connected up" Helena said

"Oh, we didn't realize you had an installation invoice." Black Mask said, walking back in

"An MI" Giganta added

"No, we can't touch it without an MI, you see" Black Mask said to Helena

"Or an R16" Giganta piped up

"If it's a special" Batwoman piped up, popping in

"Nah- it's not special… the special's back at the Depot" Giganta replied to Batwoman

"No, the special's the same as installation invoice" Black Mask spoke

"So it's an R16" Batwoman suggested

"What's an installation invoice?" Huntress wondered

"A pink form from Reading" Black Mask said

"Oh- we wondered what that was. Now these are the forms" Helena gasped, handing Black Mask the forms

"That's the one, love. Yeah, this should be all I need. Hang on, this is for Queen. Mrs. Helena Queen" Black Mask said

"That's right, I'm Mrs. Helena Queen" Helena said

"Well we've got Crump-Queen on the invoice" Black Mask added

"Shall I sign it Crump-Queen then?" Helena offered

"No, no, no- not an MI- no" Black Mask answered

"No- that's from Area Service at Reading" Giganta added

"No, Cheltenham, isn't it?" Hawkgirl asked, coming in

"No, not this side of the street" Giganta answered

"LOOK I JUST WANT IT CONNECTED UP" Huntress squawked

"What about Gotham Office?" Batwoman asked

"Well, they haven't got the machinery" Black Mask answered

"Not now" Giganta answered

"What?! The Hounslow Depot?!" Roulette gasped, rushing in

"No- they're still on standard pressure" Hawkgirl replied

"Same with Twickenham" Cheetara added

"But surely they can connect up a gas cooker?" Huntress asked

"Oh yeah, we could connect it up, love, but not unless it's an emergency" Black Mask explained

"But this *IS* an emergency" Huntress squawked

"No it's not. An emergency is 290 where there is actual or apparent loss of combustible gaseous substances" Black Mask said

"Yeah, it's like a leak" Giganta commented

"Yeah, or a 478" Superwoman said

"No- that's valve adjustment" Batwoman corrected

"BUT THERE CANT BE A LEAK UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP" Huntress shrieked

"No, quite. We'd have to turn it on" Black Mask added

"Well can't you turn it on *AND* connect it up?" Huntress asked

"No, but what we can do, and this is between you and me, I shouldn't really be telling you this, we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around here in a couple of days" Black Mask explained

"WHAT?! A HOUSE FULL OF GAS?! I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN" Huntress squawked

"Oh well, in that case you'd have the South East Area Manager round here like a shot" Black Mask commented

"Really?" Huntress asked

"Ah yes. One or more persons overcome by fumes, you'd have Head Office, Holborn round here" Black Mask answered

"Really?" Huntress repeated

"Yes, that's murder you see" Black Mask answered

"Or suicide" Giganta commented

"No, that's S42" Roulette corrected

"Oh" Giganta said

"Still? I thought it was Hainault" Circe said

"No- Central area and Southall Marketing Division, they're both on the S42 now" Roulette answered

"And they'd be able to connect it up?" Huntress asked

"Oh, they'd do the lot for you, love" Black Mask answered

"And they come round this afternoon?" Huntress asked

"…Well what is it now…11:30…murder…they'll be round here by two" Black Mask answered

"Oh, well that's wonderful" Huntress said giddily

"Oh, well, right love, if you'd like to lie down here" Black Mask said, Huntress lying down on the floor

"All right" Huntress replied

"Ok, Doris, gas on" Black Mask barked

"Gas on" Giganta echoed

"Right, deep breaths love. Ring Head Office will you, Shayera?" Black Mask ordered

"Shall I go through maintenance?" Hawkgirl asked in particular

"No, you'd better go through Bludhaven maintenance" Roulette said

"Peckham's on a 207…" Cheetara added

 **ETHEL THE FROG**

"Good evening. On Ethel the Frog tonight we look at violence. The violence of American gangland. Last Tuesday, a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Trigger Twins, Tod and Tad, after one of the most extraordinary trials in American legal history were sentenced to four hundred years imprisonment for crimes of violence. Tonight Ethel the Frog examines the rise to power of the Twins, the method they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harvey "Snapper" Dent of Q Division. Tod and Tad Trigger were born, on probation, in this house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father, Arthur Trigger, a scrap-metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police and a devout Catholic. In January 1998, he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Tod was born in February 1999 and Tad two weeks later, and again a week after that. Their next door neighbour Mrs. Jade Rayner" Black Mask spoke

"Kipling Road was a typical sort of East End street. People were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day long. They were a cheery lot though" Jade explained to Roy as a line of cooker saleswomen was behind her from the Cooker sketch

"Was it a terribly *violent* area?" Roy asked

"Oh, ho, ho… yes. Cheerful and violent, I remember. Tod was very keen on boxing, until he learned to walk, then he took up putting the boot in the groin. Oh he was very interested in that. His mum used to have such trouble getting him to come in for his tea. He'd be out there putting his little boot in, you know, er, bless him. You know kids were very different then. They didn't have their heads filled with all this Cartesian dualism" Jade giggled

"At the age of fifteen, Tod and Tad started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwall" Black Mask spoke in a voiceover as Helena interviewed Tod and Tad's teacher Crispin Viney.

"Crispin Viney. You taught the Trigger brothers English. What do you remember most about them?" Huntress asked, Crispin answering through ASL and mute body language

"…Crispin Viney" Huntress finished

"When the Triggers left school, they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be too mentally unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called "The Operation". They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called protection money. Four months later, they started another operation which they called "The Other Operation". In this racket, they selected another victim and threatened *not* to beat him up if he *didn't* pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them they would beat him up. This for the Trigger brothers was the turning point" Black Mask announced

 **HARVEY "SNAPPER" DENT**

"Tod and Tad Trigger now formed a gang which they now called The Gang and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC, they were, for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread, however, we in Q Division were keeping tabs on their every movement by reading the colour supplements" Two-Face spoke

"A small time operator who fell foul of Tad Trigger was Victor Snetterton-Zsasz" Black Mask said

"well, er, one day, I was sittin' at home threatenin' the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and I saw this tank drive up and one of Tad's boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly like, and says Tad wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Tad's. And Tad's there in the conversation pit with Tod and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers, er, and a man they called Kierkegaard, who just sat there bitin' the heads off whippets, and Tad says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said my name's not Clement, and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor" Zsasz spoke in a thick Cockney accent

"He nailed your head to the floor?" Mera asked off-screen

"At first, er, yeah" Zsasz answered

"Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Eel O'Brian" Black Mask announced

"Eel, I've been told that Tad Trigger nailed your head to the floor" Linda Park-West said to Eel

"No, no, never, never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to give his mum flowers and that. He was like a brother to me" Eel spat, outraged

"But the police have film of Tad actually nailing your head to the floor" Linda said

"Oh, yeah, well- he, er, he did that, yeah" Eel answered honestly

"Why?" Linda asked

"Well he had to, didn't he? I mean, be fair, there was nothing else he could do. I mean, I had transgressed the unwritten law" Eel explained

"What had you done?" Linda asked

"Er… well he never told me that. But he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Tadsy. I mean he didn't want to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. There's nothing Tad wouldn't do for you" Eel answered

"And you don't bear a grudge?" Linda asked

"A grudge! Old Tadsy? He was a real darling" Eel spat

"I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table. Isn't that right, Mrs. O'Brian?" Linda asked, turning to Silver Swan who had a fake coffee table nailed to her head

"Oh, no. No. no" Silver Swan denied

"Yeah well, he did do that. Yeah, yeah. He was a cruel man, but fair" Eel finished

"Zsasz, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again?" Huntress asked offscreen

"Yeah... after that I used to go round to his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize, and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail me head to the floor" Zsasz answered

"Every Sunday?" Huntress echoed

"Yeah, but, er, he was very reasonable about it. I mean one Sunday when my parents were coming round for tea, I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week, and he agreed and just screwed me pelvis to a cake stand" Zsasz finished

"He was the only friend I ever had" Hush said, affixed to a coffee table and a standard lamp

"I wouldn't hear a word against him" Kyle mumbled, his face sealed in a stone block

"Lovely fella" Neron's disembodied voice echoed

"Clearly Tad inspired tremendous loyalty and terror amongst his business associates, but what was he really like?" Black Mask asked

"I walked out with Tad on many occasions and found him a most charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to many eminent persons, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gangleaders" Hippolyta said sultrily in a bar

"How had he met them?" Giganta asked off-screen

"Through his work for charity. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations, Scouting Jamborees and of course the Household Cavalry" Hippolyta answered

"Was there anything unusual about him?" Giganta asked

"I should say not! Tad was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except in as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog named whom he referred to as Spiny Neron" Hippolyta added

"How big was Neron supposed to be?" Giganta asked

"Normally, he was wont to be about twelve feet from nose to tail, but when Tad was *very* depressed, Neron could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Neron was about, Tad would go very quiet and his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he'd become very violent and claim that he'd laid Stephen Baldwin. Tad was a gentleman. And what's more he knew how to treat a female Amazon monarch" Hippolyta finished

 **A CRIMINOLOGIST**

"It's easy for us to judge Tad Trigger too harshly. After all, he only did what most of us simply dream of doing…" Superman started before developing a tic before controlling himself

"I'm sorry. After all, a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. Tad was a loony, but he was a *happy* loony. Lucky bastard" Superman finished

"Most of these strange tales concern Tad, but what of Tod? One man who met him was Bruno Mannheim" Black Mask announced

"Well, er, I had been running a successful escort agency- high-class, no really, high-class girls… we didn't have any of that. That was right out. And I decided. Anyway, I decided then to open a high-class night club for the gentry at Biggelswade with international cuisine, cooking, top-line acts, and not a cheap clip and one night Tad walked in with a couple a' big lads, one a' whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I'd bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it" Bruno explained to Vicki Vale

"How much did they want?" Vicki asked

"Three quarters of a million dollars. Then they went out" Bruno answered

"Why didn't you call for the police?" Vicki asked

"Well, I'd noticed the lad with the thermos-nuclear device was the Chief Constable for the area. Anyway a week later they came back, said that the cheque had bounced and that I had to see Tod" Bruno said

"Tod?" Vicki asked

"Tod. I was terrified of him. Everyone was terrified of Tod. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Tod. Even Tad was frightened of Tod" Bruno shakily answered, taking a sip of water

"What did he do?" Vicki asked

"He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire" Bruno answered

"By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Trigger brothers by February 1996, controlled Gotham and the Diamond District. In February though, Tad made a big mistake" Black Mask announced

"Latterly, Tad had become increasingly worried about Spiny Neron. He had come to the conclusion that Neron slept in the aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport" Hippolyta addressed the camera

"And so, on February 22, 1996, at Luton Airport…" Black Mask started, the camera cutting to stock footage of a H-bomb explosion

"Even the police began to sit up and take notice" Black Mask finished

"The Triggers realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding and I decided on a subtle approach, viz, some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots were a bit of a give-away. Luckily my years with Gotham Rep stood me in good stead as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Crime Alley posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to Metropolis, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Roland Desmond. On my arrival in Metropolis I discovered they had returned to Crime Alley. I followed as Gloucester from King Lear. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty in Toad of Toad Hall. Back in Crime Alley I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in Man of La Mancha which the Bristol Evening Post described as a glittering performance of rare perception, although the Daily Planet was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote:

 **As for the performance of Superintendent Harvey "Snapper" Dent as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs**

"The Western Daily News said…" Dent continued

 **Sancho Panza (Mr. Dent) spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of what's all this then?**

"Never mind, Harvey, love, you can't win 'em all" Hippolyta said as she and Harvey applied makeup

"True, constable. Could I have my eye-liner love?" Dent asked

"Telegram for you, love" Black Canary announced, walking in

"Those flowers are for Sergeant Lowery- from the nice young lady waiting outside" Dinah added

"Thirty seconds, superintendent" Hawkgirl said

"Oh blimey, I'm on. Is me hat straight, love?" Dent asked, standing up

"Oh, it's fine" Hippolyta answered

"Right, here we go then, Hippolyta" Dent barked

"Oh, merde, superintendent" Hippolyta exhaled

"Good luck then" Dent replied as both exited the station just as Joker dressed as a city gent passed them by, doing his silly walk

"Read all about it! Trigger Brothers escape" a young paperboy announced, the crowds screaming and fleeing the streets in panic.


End file.
